Fighting this feeling
by Anemonenfisch
Summary: Shiho Miyano never hated anything more than feeling helpless. Still she had this feeling quite often. (aka I wrote the James Bond AU with Q!Shiho nobody asked for)


Summary: Shiho Miyano never hated anything more than feeling helpless. Still she had this feeling quite often.

Warnings: AU, Q!Haibara, 007!Shinichi, dark!Kaito, crimelord!Kaito, basically Kaito is everything your parents told you to stay away from

#1

The first time Shiho felt really helpless, the small kitten died under her hands. It was a beautiful animal, with brown shining fur and green eyes that were once upon a time full of live a curiosity. Shiho knew it since 2 months, knew that it lived in the woods, secretly planning to trick their parents into adoption. She wanted to ask them in a few days, because then they would get their school reports and math would be her advantage in the convincing part.

So she planned everything and played with Warshawski every single minute she could afford. Her parents would agree, after all the house was big enough and her sister would like the cat too. She liked to pet Warshawski's fur and imagine all the little things she would need if the cat would move in. She imagined cold winter evenings when she would sit in the library, ready one of here favourite books and maybe Warshawski would curl around her feet or at her lap and keep her warm. They were pleasant dreams, and the six year old girl couldn't remember a time when she was more eager to make an imagination become reality.

It was the day of receiving their school reports. Akemi would make some American Food for celebrating, Shiho even successes in coaxing her into buying cat food as a welcome gift for Warshawski. It would be a nice day, the family would sit together in the evening, maybe even enjoying one of these old films where nobody talks. Most of the kids her age would call them stupid and boring but secretly, Shiho liked them very much.

As expected, math would be her advantage. Grinning broadly, Shiho runned the alley down to her parents home. Their car was there, means that all of them would now be gathered in the kitchen, except her dad who was banned from this part of the house and would maybe lay the table. Maybe she should pick Warshawski up, bringing her into the scene right at the beginning. Because, nobody could resist these huge green eyes. So she turned not directly to the front door, instead walking to the left right along their house on the path that leads into the garden. The garden was small and not overly pretty. The grass grew how it wanted, there was an old apple tree that had more years in its stem than fruits and in the wood fence was a loose plank, huge enough for the girl to slip through it. Don't get it wrong, the Miyano's didn't neglect their house or children. It was just that the family liked the garden exact that way. Wild and natural.

Shiho could fell the grass around her bare legs and under the palm of her hands as she made her way through their own little jungle. Warshawski would wait for her, sometimes at the fence, sometimes at the edge of the woods, always looking at her as if the cat had a super intention that made it possibly to sense the human miles away. The girl could feel the excitement rushing through her veins, making her heart speed up and her feet moving faster. She was close, so damn close to reading a book in their library with a ball of fur in her lap.

The wood entangled a bit in her skirt, slowing her down for a moment. Irritated but carefully she tugged in an attempt to free herself again. Mum would be angry if the clothes get ruined, lowering the chances of winning. Finally gaining her freedom back, the redhead made her way to the woods. They were only a few hundred meters behind the house, forming a huge contrast to the neat neighbourhood.

It was a beautiful day, the sun rays caressed the skin of her exposed arms and legs. The birds where chirping softly and Shiho Miyano felt truly happy.

Until she saw all the blood and wonderful brown fur. She didn't know how but in a blink of an eye she was at home, trembling with tears streaming down her face and blood all over her clothes. Screaming and crying over the small thing in her arms that just let her pet its fur this morning. Akemi could help, Akemi, where was Akemi? Her big sister wanted to be a doctor one day, or a scientist like her parents. So she could help the kitten, because that was what doctors do, don't they? They save lives, making things whole again.

The house smelled of pizza and blood, an odd mixture that made Shiho nearly vomit. That day she learned that in fact, doctor's abilities where limited. That they can't fix everything. Her parents still praised her math scores, they still watched these old films and her mum even offered to go to the animal shelter tomorrow. Shiho wanted nothing more than to drop dead at this moment.

In the evening they buried Warshawski in a small box under the apple tree. Silently Shiho put the small flower down that she picked from the wood early in the morning and prayed. It was a bit like a real funeral, just without the priest and the fact that the cat only had a small wood cross instead of a gravestone. Akemi squeezed her shoulder, looking at her with something like guilt. Shiho wanted to tell her, that this was stupid, after all her big sister did nothing wrong. But her throat was too closed to bring just one word out of it.

Late she packed everything that was left of her dream into a bag, the pictures, the cat food and the small feather ball she once made in creative classes, dropping it into the garbage when nobody looked. In the winter she refused putting a blanked around her in the library, don't caring how much she freeze.

#2

The second time was when her parents died. Or rather, it was the moment when this unknown aunt and uncle came to them and claimed that they would leave to England. Because at the graveyard with Akemi clenching to her hand like it was made from iron not flesh, Shiho felt nothing. There were tears streaming down her face, her shoulders where shaking rapidly and she cursed fate and gods but helpless, helpless wasn't a feeling she had at this moment. Maybe because it happened all so quickly. She was 10 back then, and one moment they planned the Christmas vacation and the other Akemi would hug her tightly and tell her that their parents wouldn't bring takeaway this evening. Shiho didn't had time to feel helpless. She had enough time spending at anger and sadness.

But when this man came into their house, their parents' house, telling her sister because in his eyes she was still too young, that they should pack their bags and leave, there was the same numbness in her chest. She could her Akemi screaming from the door way, pressing her ear hard against her wood door. Why should they leave? This was the house of their parents, the house with the still loose wood plank in the fence, the apple tree and the small, unknown grave und said tree. Staring blankly at the wall she tried to image how life would be if not here. She couldn't.

But still the man demanded of packing. They should just take what they would need until arriving in England, everything else would be organized by him and his wife. Shiho didn't believed that the grown-up could do this to them, tearing them out of their environment and dropping them into a new one. But they could. They could do this even with Akemi's screaming in their ears and the stares from the youngest family member. They would do this not because it was the best for the sisters but for them. Shiho started to hate England before even seeing the country. It was raining there all day she knew, the cuisine was awful and all people walked around in heavy raincoats and a bitter expression on their face.

She didn't want to leave, Japan was her home, here where her friends. She did speak a bit English, not quite good but a few sentences but starting a new life? With this people that where destroying everything she holds dear in her life? She would rather die. Or run away. And so she did, running away from the two suitcases that stand in the door way, through the grass that was still not cut, feeling the cold November wind biting into her cheeks. She knew where to go if she didn't want to be found. But for how long? Would they even bother searching her? Or would they just pack Akemi into the back seat of the car and drive away, not spending a second thought at the small girl that would just be a troublemaker?

There was the spot where she founded Warshawski four years ago. Unpleasant memories tried to rise to the surface, making her mind spinning. Blood, fur and the smell of pizza. Choking she vomited into the next bush, feeling her stomach clenching in protest. Her legs turned into jelly, to weak to support the weigh any longer. Little stones were piercing through the material of her trouser, the winter coat she put on in a haste now pooled around her. And then she cried, pulling at the frozen grass and punching the ground until her hands started bleeding.

They couldn't do this to her and her sister! Even when they were grown-ups, in a few years Akemi would be eighteen and then she could become a doctor and take care of them herself. They could just leave them here, they would survive. And then there were strong arms around her, pulling her up and dragging her into the waiting car. A black Porsche she recognized at the edge of her mind. And when the car door closed, imprisoning her and her sister, she caught a last glance from her home before the car speeded up.

She never felt this helpless before, even when the small animal was dying under her hands. So she punched at the window, ignoring the curses from the driver seat and gripped at the last image of her past life like a drowning man to a life line.

#3

Dead seemed to follow her everywhere Shiho thought while gritting her teeth. Akemi Miyano stood on the cold gravestone before her, another victim of a cruel joke that the universe liked to play at her. Her beloved sister, an uprising doctor, a life saver, dead. Dead because of unknown reasons that nobody dared to tell her. Oh, there was a cover story. The cliché, good woman at the wrong place but Shiho wasn't stupid. She knew when something wasn't right. And these officers couldn't convince her into believing this stupid story.

And she felt helpless, helpless because she was left in the dark, the dark of the death of her own sister. Maybe her relatives were okay with this explanation, as if they ever cared enough about the sisters to really grief, but defiantly not she. But she was only 18 years old, who would tell her anything? Nobody, at least not voluntary. Fortunately people had secrets, dirty little secrets that were buried under lies and cover stories. And she would find them all if she must to bring justice to her sister.

So she opened her laptop and let the false safety the blue light brought to her overpower the helplessness. Because this time she wouldn't just sit there and let other people take her life away. She wasn't a little girl anymore, she would stand up. And she would never feel helpless again.

#

"Really impressive" the man in the black suit said. Sitting before her, one hand on the computer that held all the evidences she could dig out in the past two years. She didn't know if they found the USB-stick under the loose plank in her bedroom. "Sherry" she wanted to punch him in the face to say her alias in such a mockery voice. After all she slipped into through their security wall without notice, making a home in the databank of MI6 for almost 6 months before getting caught. Oh, she wanted to rub this into his face, making him feel the same helplessness that haunted her like a ghost since that day on the graveyard. "So, I assume your M?" A cold mask protected the small child that was curled inside her, begging under tears that they didn't found the USB-stick because it was her only trial.

But she would rather die than show this face to the outside ever again.

"Indeed Miss Miyano" oh, like in this old spy films. If they wouldn't sit in a cold investigation room with poor light she would maybe laugh about how British he was at the moment. Maybe also a tactic to lure the victims in?

"We are very impressed by the skills of yours, sadly such a talent would totally be wasted in prison don't you think?" A cold sensation burned in Shiho's guts. Prison. For how long? Two, three years? That wouldn't do anything to her. Helplessness wasn't an emotion she should fell now, not yet when her enemy was that close. So she pinned him under her, hopefully, totally unimpressed gaze. "I agree with you. Not that it would matter to me." She would just start right there where she stopped. They wouldn't stop her. Not until she finally saw the truth.

"So, we decided to offer you a deal Miss Miyano."

Somehow the deal made her feel more trapped than the vision of a life in prison.

"We want you to join us."

#

The Q-Branch was full of small minions, ruled by their lord Q and R. Shiho thought about turning right back to the door. No way in hell she was becoming one of them. Rather she would stay in prison, loosing a few years of her life than letting someone telling her what to do and what not. But she needed this. Maybe not for money or a stable thing in her life, but for Akemi. And for Akemi she would do anything.

So she somehow forced a smile on her lips when R approached her.

#

She worked 2 months in the Branch when she first met him. 007, double-o agent, best thing their majestic could afford. Handsome, piercing blue eyes and a voice that could melt icebergs according to the female staff. Shiho would raise an eye brown at the gossip, not really interested. A 00-agent? Last thing she needed on her mind. She met a few, not personally but watched as Q stated with pointed remarks that the equipment was destroyed again and if they knew how much they cost their home land. It really was an amusing sign, especially since Q looked more than your lovely grandfather than somebody who would dare to stand against somebody that knew different ways to kill you. But they respected him and always leaving with their tail between their legs and an apologizing gaze.

The first time in years she felt totally safe, here, in the underground with all these people and the buzzing of computers around her. Maybe, she thought, maybe she would be able to start again. Not totally, there was a file with all the evidences she found on her screen, always reminding her of a gravestone she still visited regularly.

The first meeting with 007 would be from a distance, Shiho watching with a hint of curiosity at the man that managed to woo half of her colleague. He was handsome, looking a bit light a proud boy that wanted to show his score to his parents as he handed Q the unscratched equipment. When their eyes crossed there was a short moment when she could feel an unknown sensation in her chest. Breaking the contact quickly, Shiho starred flustered at her screen again. What just happened?

When she dared to look up again the spot next to Q was empty.

#4

Helplessness was something she could shut out here, like the doors had a protection shield around them, making her feel save. Or maybe it was because they were playing god down here, bending governments and laws of nature to their will. But it was funny how fast her safe house could collapse into nothing but broken pieces. 3 years later she sat on Q workplace, feeling way too small for the chair that she was just sit on. Q retired 2 weeks ago, one of the few lucky members of MI6 that would be able to get out alive and draw a pension.

So her old friend started to slip through the doors now, trying to lure her into his embrace again. Why was she Q anyway? R would be a much better choice in her own opinion but the woman just smiled and handed her a mug with coffee.

Muttering a quiet thank you, Shiho opened the first time a channel to a double 0 Agent as Q, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible when speaking her first words to the ear of the young woman in Africa.

"009? This is Q, there is a emergency exit at your right side. Please hurry up."

She wouldn't allow the helplessness to ruin anything. Straitening her posture she laid her fingers on the keyboard. "And please bring back the equipment in one piece!"

#5

"What is that?" Of course she knew what the object was, it was for making sure that her Agent didn't suffer from brain damage or something like that. "It's a plush toy." The idiot had the nerves to smile a small, carefree smile. "I see that 007. Let me reframe my sentence." A cold stare settled upon him, normally people would run away by now. Not Kudo. Of course not. "Why did you brought a plush toy from your mission?"

It was soft underneath her palms, brown fur, yellow eyes and if she would be younger and maybe not in charge over some very deadly people, she would have hugged it. It was a cat. Because Kudo knew her too good, even for her own like.

"I just thought of you when I saw it." He grinned like the idiot he was.

"You really thing that some stuffed animal will get you out of trouble? You lost your equipment. Again." Putting more pronunciation on the last word she gestured to the empty space where normally, and if Kudo wouldn't had a stupid habit about jumping into risky situations for saving crown and civilians, the gun and the earpiece would have lay.

They are lost somewhere in the USA because he's an idiot and Pandora has apparently eyes on their back.

"So you don't want it?" There was a predatory hint in his voice, almost like a detective searching for clues and reactions. Too sharp for his own good.

She smiled, a cold, totally professional smile, one that hopefully didn't give away the confused emotions in her chest.

"That would be a waste of resource my dear Agent, but please don't expect mercy from me or the medical bay where you should be at the moment."

He looked caught of guard, two can play this game. "You know I hate it there." Shiho felt like a mother smothering a child that was afraid of needles. "You need to go, I don't need an agent down just because he's afraid of nurses." She didn't needed Kudo, she really didn't. It was only rational to worry about safety. After all, the job didn't just ended after guiding them through a rain of bullets.

"You're worried Q!" Idiot, stupid moron. "I'm not" She fought against any emotions, because emotions make everything complicate. Today had been close, a few centimeters too close for her liking. And she had felt the familiar feeling of helplessness leering through the cracks in her carefully constructed walls when the pained groan reached her.

"Don't get that close again alone." Gin was a perfect shooter, beside, by the disturbance Shinichi caused them until now (because somehow Pandora followed Shinichi everywhere) the leader must have painted a giant target on her Agents back.

Something must have leaked into her voice because suddenly Kudos eyes a soft. "I promise."

She kicked the helplessness back into the dark, put the toy somewhere safe into her desk away from prying eyes and sent Kudo to the medical bay before they came themselves to drag him back.

#6

There was a shot, feeling loud enough to be able to burst her eardrum. "007" she cried out, silently thanking the fact that she was alone. It was somewhat after midnight, but for Shinichi it was bright day. Stupid 8 hour time lag. "Dammit Kudo, answer me" God, she never lost an agent. She couldn't lose an agent, not Shinichi or Ran or Hakuba or Eisuke, but especially not Shinichi. Her fingers flew over the keyboard, trying to locate any security camera, anything that could help her. There wasn't supposed to be an attack. Tokyo was supposed to be a safe mission, they had everything they wanted, so who shoot her agent?

"007" she tried again, hoping desperately that the panic wasn't visible in her voice. "Q" there, finally, a soft mumble reaching her ear over a 9 558,88 km distance. "What happened?" She was able to hear a hiss of pain, suppressing the urge to tell him to not move too much. "Shot at the shoulder, nothing seriously." "Kudo, I think you could drop the hero play." she couldn't decide between laughing and screaming at her stupid agent for scaring her like that. "Okay, I'm going to …" "Shiho" she stopped in planning the rescue of the British hero, something was defiantly off. Shinichi never used her first name without a reason. The first time it was for warning her of an attack at an undercover mission, the second time when he told her about the new information that he found about her sister. "Shiho, somebody's coming." Cursing in her mother language Shiho tipped in a few orders, allowing her to see through the eyes of the local surveillance web.

"Kudo, it's Koruba, make an exit. Now!" A cheerful face filled her screen, the young man grinned right at her as if he wanted to show her that he knew exactly where she was, making her felt exposed right here, thousand miles away from him. He even had the nerves to wink at her. "Koruba? What is he doing here?" Shinichi panicked, only the slightest but it was noticeable especially if you heard his voice for the last 2 years. He tended to speak a bit higher if he's afraid, something that even the training can't beat completely out of a human.

"I don't know" and she will defiantly made the guy who let this information slip pay. Kaito Koruba was one of their most wanted man, and that for a reason. Last time they clashed she was in Ran's ear. Hearing him dropping a comment about her sister, telling the shocked agent what a useful person Akemi Miyano was back then and what a shame it was to put her under the earth. She broke her mug that day, R bought her a new one right away.

She knew that her sister worked for this shadow organisation. Shinichi found that out one a mission in Russia, with a gun under his chin and a wall in his back. Kaito Koruba, at this time a possible informant about some drug ring until he decided that it would be a rather good moment to press a gun between a M16 agents ribs, whispered all the little truths into the ear piece, sending it straight into Shihos headset. Words soaked with venom, eating up the picture she had left of her older sister. Right after making sure that her agent was save Shiho bursted into M's room, not caring about the secretary making a fuss about it. "You knew!" she screamed over the ridiculous expensive mahogany table. "I assume that you met Kaito Koruba, heir of the crime syndicate Pandora." with a click he put the glass with Bourbon down on the desktop. "Then, let's talk about the murder of Akemi Myiano."

The rapid breathing of Shinichi filled her ears, making them itch. "I'm going to call backup." Shinichi Kudo wouldn't die in Tokyo, he was 007 after all. Her finger hovered over the call button when she heard a chearfull voice calling out her synonym. "Q, be a good colleague and don't do anything that you're maybe planning right now. It would be a shame to ruin this beautiful face." They were trapped. With now way out. Shiho felt helpless as she watched Koruba cornering her friend. "Long way no see Shin-chan." Shinichi's hand twitched forward to his gun but Shiho stopped him. "Shinichi, don't do anything stupid! He will not hurt you!" Or maybe he will because he was bored. But not Shinichi, not Shinichi she begged silently.

There was the sound of boots, hushed but their equipment was damn good. The security camera showed her the back of the criminal and the dangerous glittering of the weapon in his hand. "Shin-chan, I'm still mad at you for running the last time." "I didn't expect you to be here. Shouldn't you be in Finland?" At least according to their information. Seems like the system needed a reboot. "To cold, Tokyo is much prettier. Beside I didn't want to miss you." The two men were now standing really close, Koruba hiding Shinichi almost whole from the camera. "Now be nice and let me talk to your friend 'kay?" Kudo hissed in pain as Koruba maybe pressed the gun right into the fresh bullet hole. She saw a hand reaching out for the ear communicator, brushing away black bags of hair. There was the familiar sound of cracking noises that would normally made Shiho bark at the agents to let the communicator where he was. Now she gripped the mug in her hands hard enough that she wouldn't be surprised if it burst any second.

"Hello Q~" so sickly sweet. Rumours said that he would even have this tone after torturing a person for days. "It was such a long time when I last heard your voice. Did you miss me?" "No." she blurred out before biting her tongue. One false word could end in blood. "Ne, that's not nice." A small change, the mood was falling. There was a sharp inhalation. "You know, as much as I love your brave face, you can drop that by now, don't you think?" Stop it. Don't hurt him. Stop it you goddamn idiot, don't take him also away from me too. "But now to business, we can gossip later. I wanted to thank my lovely MI6 for taking care of that syndicate in Peru. They were such a pain in the neck." For a moment she wished that they didn't arrested the drug ring ten days ago. She felt bad right after that thought. "As a small thank you I will tell you, that I'm taking Kudo Shinichi with me. Don't want to ruin your nights and steal your beauty sleep while wasting time to find your agent. Have a wonderful day~" The crack in her ear sounded like a thunderclap in the too silent office. Screaming useless insults at her screen she watched helpless as the back of Koruba's gun met with her friends skull, letting him fall right into the criminals arms.

Slowly he turned around, his prey secured in his arms. He winked at her, throwing a smile at the camera lens before pressing a mockingly kiss against Shinichi's hair.

Shiho Miyano watched helpless as he took 007 away. So utterly helpless.

* * *

I'm back, School's killing me, I hope you enjoyed the Story.

Wonderful day~

Anemonefisch

P.S. This is old, like really old.


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